Give your heart a break

Friday, 13 February 2015

noun: valentine; plural noun: valentines
  • a card sent, often anonymously, on St Valentine's Day, 14 February, to a person one loves or is attracted to.
  • a person to whom one sends a valentine card or with whom one is romantically involved.

I never thought that I would write these thoughts that I have held on so close to my heart. Lately, friends have sat me down and poured their broken hearts out on me. I know that writing and sharing some thoughts here might help me and perhaps some of you as well; to help us see that it's okay to feel this way.

Relationship has never been my forte. But it seems like whatever we do, there's always a few pages in a book that'll cringe you. If you are in a relationship, you seek ways to hold on to it. If you enjoy the lone time company, you tend to wonder what if there's something more to that. If you just had your heart broken, you might even wonder what just happened and why.

Since college years, I have this habit of narrating an imaginary story in my head while driving. I had no idea what they meant -- music and movies could be the culprit.

It goes like this:

We keep feeling this way, but when can we learn?

I listened and learned to find someone who loves me more, but sometimes love alone is not enough.
My faith clings on our crossroads every other year.

Waiting by the house of leaves, for someone who pretend he doesn't exist.
We are like two trains going in the same direction -- never meeting at the end.

What took you so long to realize that we both were all that we ever wanted?
Will we get that old time feeling when we talk and laughed for hours?

Never once did I count the days when the space next to me has emptied. I've been waiting for the day that you return. You know so well, just too well how much it hurts inside me in the places I never knew I had. But still, you had to go. You choose to go.

Over the phone, I heard your distant voice saying that someday we'd find somebody new and never break each other's heart again. When the next autumn wind blows, we'll start everything new -- whether it's with you or someone else.

You gave me your last goodbye, without me knowing. How could I go on when you kept me wondering?

It's not easy to come across someone whose smile on their face shows that they love us. And when you found the special smile, never let someone like that go. After all, we should try harder.

What am I going to say to make you understand? 
To make you understand that sometimes we don't need a person by us at all times. 
To make you understand that we need to only know that one person we love eternally will be there for us, even if they won't admit the least bit. 
To make you understand that we both are such failures in disguise. 

And to finally make you understand that you are my favourite faded fantasy.


That was a lot to process. And I wasn't very good at processing complicated thoughts like that. If this was the write up I submitted to my lecturer, I'm pretty sure you'll see me again in the next term. On the other hand, I've never been so glad to have a blog before. 

To write this today may or may not be a bad timing. Valentine's day is just another day where my favourite lilies costs my date his kidney. If you ask my honest opinion, I'd rather not celebrate on purpose, but kind of not waiting it to go by just like that. It's a trap, isn't it?

To Do: Order pizzas, ice cream, nachos and stick your favourite drinks in the cooler. Don't forget to rent a movie (or two) and get cozy. If you have a partner, allocate a space next to you and double the order of everything I've just said. Go on. I meant it!

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