Saturday, 2 April 2016
It was hard to describe. Rock bottom, full of pests. They kept writing. Story of astonishment and venom twisting. No one said it's going to be easy. It felt like a hurricane. But breeze, only after some still days of unwinding from the psychopathic's plot.
And then it all went away when I'm alone, within my terror circle that I've drawn, only getting smaller. He held my hands, we closed our eyes and drifted. Far and safe.
And the people bowed and prayed, to the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning, in the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls, and whispered in the sounds of silence." - Paul Simon
Monday, 28 December 2015
Just a couple of hours back, I was searching for a short getaway. A day of hiking, an afternoon at the kitchen, cycling around the heritage sites in town, -- pretty much getting away from work. I finally know why the song 'Everybody wants to be a cat' exists.
At first, I thought this will be a decent length entry. But I'm going to keep it short. Many things has been going on and I realize I haven't completed my travel posts. This is because I formatted my laptop and I haven't got much done after that. And now, my mobile phone is giving me trouble. Well, gadgets.
But my life is simply pleasant and exciting now because next year is going to bring so much changes. After the hectic October & November earlier, I finally agreed to go on a first date with this man, who is without a doubt the sweetest, funniest creative bubble that I have ever known personally. And then, things just happen from there. Someday, I will share my roller coaster story of year 2015. All I have to say is great things happen when we least expect them. And no matter what comes our way, accept it, embrace it, fix it if you need to, and most of all live it. Because whatever we do now, determine what happens next.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
If it weren't for checking my tabletop calendar for upcoming occasions, I wouldn't have the slightest recollection that this blog is now one-year old. And absolutely have no idea how did my affirmed self then thought that starting a blog would be the way to improve my writing. Because I still have those odd pauses where I couldn't find the right words to make people understand that whatever it is in my mind is sane. At least it is from my personal preference.
It has been quite a year where I was totally drifted off, pretty far I'm sure from where I started. From a person who was curious of outcomes, to a person who accepts and embrace anything that comes right in front of me. One thing I notice significantly when I look back at my old self is how much time I took to absorb my surrounding and finding peace within myself. I'm not entirely good at that. And and and, I can still go to the extreme of modernism living. Where I sleep only 2 hours a day, where deadlines are just the allegro to keep my pace up, where I could shut my interaction totally with the surrounding. On a good day, I find ambiguous serenity working alone in a crowded coffee place, drinking latte with a dead espresso shot and still find it alright because I don't have the heart to tell the barista. But over the last year, I've learned to stop and outgrew the senses that I've long forgotten, gave away, or thought never existed. The sense of presence feels so real to a point where I wonder if all of this is reality-bending or what I've actually come to believe in.
When I was very little, I didn't understand whenever my dad preaches me to empty myself. I took years trying to look into what he meant and when I finally do, I took even more years trying to achieve that. Enlightenment, I'm not even close. If you asked me last year, I'd probably still be on that journey. But a year time has so many possibilities to drive me on a different turn.
I believe in enlightenment, even though I won't be able to achieve that this time, or maybe ever. Like I simply don't think there's anything more after death.
But, I made a choice that could go down a different road, but this choice is what matters now. And just noble to write it on this blog's birthday. I figured if I don't write now, when?
I choose to acknowledge information and emotions around me. I feel afraid. I imagine questionable faces in the dark. I feel a little victory when I can do a little dance sitting down. I have doubts whether mirrors reflects reality or what we prefer to see. I'm conscious on how sleep-deprived my weekdays are. I recently fell in love with a man that is perfectly impossible ball of contradictions. I burnt my fingers in the oven and I couldn't explain the sensation for days. The pillar is I don't choose to submit to all these senses, but in this humanly degree, those things did happen and I choose not to push it away.
I anticipate to step out there and spiral into wherever life brings me. To be in touch with my jaded self. To nest and find a home in every piece of earth I stand, whether within the island or across the ocean. From what I've learned on the road, is that I fall in love with people and their lives over and over again. It feels like I'm leaving chunks of my heart all over the place. It hurts sometimes, but it's worth it. Of course I understand the virtue of keeping your heart intact. It's safe but in the end for me, a heart is made for giving away.
That what my friends described me from my work execution, which might not entirely be the cultivation from the nature of my job in advertising and visual designs. We're talking about the present, but I could end up in a different place later down the road. To fulfill my dreams, is to acknowledge (once again I can't make this any clearer) whatever life throws at me. And as significant as possible I will take my time with it. Because only us and ourselves know what we can achieve.
I blatantly admit that I used to have fears where I couldn't look after my family when I'm gone. And that they wouldn't believe in what I do, just because being true to myself trails me down a path different from how common people are being brought up. As a matter of fact, I pictured them screaming in agonizing pain, persuading themselves that their baby girl is going through some phase. But it turns out entirely unexpected when they come to see that it wasn't any phase that made me who I am now. I knew then when I was 6 years old, I don't have ordinary parents. And I'm no ordinary child. Growing up with different values, I was placed with the minorities though until today I've never learned to see the borders between two living human beings.
But I consider myself the luckiest! My parents and a couple of best friends I that kept close by me throughout the years took it well and actually took their time to process why I'm doing this. So that I live. I actually live.
Sunday, 6 September 2015
Of course chasing border is just the tip of the iceberg, but that's always fun to talk about.
But before that, let’s rewind a little bit to the day before I reached Yekaterinburg. Remember I was on the 55 hours train journey? Well, 55 hours is A LOT to do some thinking about life. Of course, I don’t choose where my mind wanders, and that itself is a curse-gift miraculous relationship I have.
It’s odd that when I was on the train, I actually lost track of the date. But whenever there was daylight, I always made it to the food carriage. So, I sat across this Russian hunk in his middle age, who looked like a colonel off duty. He looked withered but whenever he took a sip of his beer, it refreshed his emerald gaze.
Closing to the 44th hour on the train, I started to feel agitated because I lost track of time. Meals began to show up unexpectedly and in fact too frequently. I began to sleep at the oddest hours and woke up to quiet carriages where people are sound asleep. There was something about the stillness of air that night. And I began to question myself ‘Where am I going with this?’ (this as in life). There was so much to ponder about, names kept running through my mind, snippets of life which I mistaken as déjà vu played right in front of my eyes and to shake it all away, I closed my eyes, tucked myself like an all-star pig in blanket and whispered to myself ‘May the odds be ever in my favour’ before drifting off.
Coming back to the day where I reached Yekaterinburg, I felt like I was in one of Coppola’s movies. Our tour guide, Olga has arranged 3 cars to transport us from the station to Novotel Hotel. My driver dressed like a mafia veteran, which made me sat still like a log next to him all the way. Okay, I was pretty nervous.
But oh the bikers and city girls, you are such heartbreakers. I was amazed whichever way I turned and I believe subconsciously hummed Kiss by Prince.
After a hearty breakfast, Olga took us to the Europe-Asia Border (there we go), Romanov Monastery and Church of All Saints. I told myself it must be our lucky day because whichever way we went, wedding ceremonies filled the place. Although it wasn’t easy to take pictures, but it was always pleasant to be in the same place with someone celebrating their love for each other.
We made it to Yekaterinburg Historical Square, hoping to get good borsch for late lunch. And once again, it was our luck that we were just in time for the Russia National Day Parade.
After a relaxing stroll back to our hotel, freshen up, packed and watched a little TV, we went our own way for dinner. My aunt and I both walked a few blocks down and find ourselves in this nice little Italian restaurant. I got my latte and pizza, and my aunt got her Caprese Salad. And we just let our evening went by with some funny family stories and we might have shared a few secrets too.
Before I knew it, we were back on the train again. And this time, to Moscow!